Expectations, the mother of all disappointment -- or not?

SO.  I moved to an Island.  Ha!   aaaaand in other news, God continues to work on me.  I've decided, as I pick this blog back up, to simply write about some of my revelations since being here, for whatever its worth.  I don't think they're unique to me (most of them) so, maybe they will bring you insight. Or, perhaps it will just be a funny read, I'm very much okay with you laughing at my issues, whatever it takes to put a smile in your day :).  Either way, I felt it was time I start sharing.

I'll try not to write too much at one time, I could write a mini-series on the past year, so I'll try to keep it pithy (today is the exception).  Those who know me well, know this is a feat in and of itself.  But I'm always up for a challenge and always willing to be transparent.

When we moved to Grand Cayman I arrived at a new place - not just geographically, but mentally.  So many moment's of new clarity, one coming after my first "at-home-mom" experience.

Two things I knew for certain from a very young age, I wanted to be a mom, and I would never marry a music minister.  :/  hmmm.  That's another blog ;)  And here I was, on a beautiful island, surrounded by gorgeous scenery, and NOT working.  At all.  As the daughter of a single, working mom, and now "in the ministry," I never dreamed of not bringing in an income, even as a mom.  But alas, here it was, in front of me, it was mine, and I was going to kick its butt.

I regret working so much with my first child.  I insisted that it was essential (financially speaking).  I then spent hours and hours after my second looking for at-home, "fullfilling" work as an RD (meanwhile, continuing to push them aside).  After my 3rd, I'm on an island that won't allow me to work unless an employer pays for a permit - score!  I'm NOT ALLOWED to work here - ha!  Perfect excuse to calm my type A down and just be at home, pouring into my boys.  This was my chance at "all in" mommihood.  Some never get the chance to be solely at home with their children, and I was going to "own this."  No more regrets.  We also can't afford to send the boys to school here, without me working, so I would HAVE to homeschool - not even a debate - double score!  Finally!  What I've been working toward for 4 years.  This.  Right here.  A purpose and a plan.  Add the gorgeous scenery and "ministry potential" - poof!  I've arrived.

Enter > REALITY.

Between amazing ministry opportunities, I guess I had visions of walking to the beach with my boys everyday (I love the beach), exploring, looking for "pirate treasure" and hunting iguanas.  Yes, a Sandal's resort experience daily, with a dash of Disney family-moments and Hallmark-card Holidays - aaaahhhh.  ::Isreal  Kamakawiwo'ole 's Somewhere Over the Rainbow playing ::  I would teach them at home and be amazing at it.  I would of course have all the mental energy to pour into my husband and "his ministry,"  and we'd be One. Big.  Happy.  Family.  with great tans.

Enterrrrr REAL TODDLERS HERE >  BAAAAAHAHAHAHA.

Have you ever taken more than one baby to the beach?  Now, picture one in his terrible twos who THINKS he can swim, one not walking and loving the taste of sand, aaaaand one 4 (3 when we moved here) with the "too cool" attitude of a 14 year old.  Yup.  I actually ventured to the beach twice, before I swore to never do it alone again. The pool wasn't much better.  Less sand, more drowning hazard, but at least it was a short walk vs. a sweaty, salty, traffic-laden drive.

I learned that toddlers in the kitchen are an OCD mom's nightmare.  I have NO, and I mean, NO preschool creativity.  Teenage girls are a music-minister's wife's God-send and are sorely missed when not around.  Not much "ministering" goin' on with 3 hot, cranky toddler messes grabbing at you.  And, some 4 year olds just need a mommy-break, accompanied by hyper 4 year old friends and a teacher with a fresh set of nerves daily.  Oh, and my husband... who?  what?

Prior to moving to CI I spent about 15-20 hours a week at church and in music/worship ministry with my husband, and I worked about 20 hours a week as an RD, in addition we lead worship or sang for various other events and conferences.  NOW -  I spend about 3 hours at church on Sunday.

The boys attended Mothers Day Out (fabulous!) at our church 2 days a week, and were in childcare at the church for the times listed above.  NOW - they have Sunday school for 2 of the 3 hours at church on Sundays.

What happens the rest of the time?  Well.  Until recently it was me, in a small, hot apartment, with 3 toddler boys, for 165 hours a week, most weeks.  Use your imagination.  I'm happy to report we're all still alive.

Add the stress and financial strain of the move (BTW moving internationally with 3 tots is not for the faint of heart), inherent lack of preschool skills, what I could only assume was a loss of "me" and confusion in what I perceived as "God's plan for my life and mission,"  in all of this, and I was questioning EVERYTHING.

FAST FORWARD >>

Six months later, my older 2 boys are thriving in daycare 4 days a week, 4 hours a day. (Something I swore I'd never do, unless ESSENTIAL to my "career")

I'm going back to school, modifying my "career" for when I return to income-producing work and have learned a ton about me.  Its amazing what happens when you're honest with yourself and those closest to you.

God continues to reveal so much about this thing called a "plan."

I'm happy to report our marriage is stronger than ever, withstanding our most challenging year as a couple.

I turned 30 and the world didn't end.  :)

So, feel free to continue with me on this little, transparent journey on an island.  I'll do my best to keep you entertained ;).